A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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