you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
