My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize