loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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