Where did you get a picture of my penis
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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