those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
