I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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