census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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