The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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