i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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