Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
