I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
