Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
