Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
