dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
