Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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