So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
