Your face is a jimmy john
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
