I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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