dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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