I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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