Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
