Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
