so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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