I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
