Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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