I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
