Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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