so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
