so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
