Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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