my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
