She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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