My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
