I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
