This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize