You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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