Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
