oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
