Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
