if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
