saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
