What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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