he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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