What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
