Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
