I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
