I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
