the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
