please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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