In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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