Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
