My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
