i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My breath smells like gin and sadness
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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