I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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